Miscarriage and Trying to Conceive

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So today I’m doing something a little different on the blog. I’m sure you can already tell by the title of this this post, but today I’m getting really personal. It’s been on my heart to talk about this for a while and for some reason, now finally seems to be the time.

It seems crazy to me that our story of trying to conceive is mixed with a story of miscarriage. And our story of miscarriage is mixed with a story of trying to conceive. Sometimes it’s hard to wrap my head around how we’ve dealt with both. Each comes with different emotions that can be hard to sort through.

This month marks a year ago that I had a miscarriage. And, it had been a year since we’d begun trying to conceive. This month marks two years since the first month we tried to start a family. So let’s go back to about a year ago…

After having tried for a year to get pregnant with no luck, we started talking about whether or not we should look into fertility issues. We’d seen some friends go through it, so we knew how emotional, involved and expensive it could be. I didn’t want to go through all of that if we didn’t need to.

When we first started trying to conceive, I wasn’t feeling overwhelmingly like I needed to get pregnant right away. We knew we wanted to be parents, and we felt generally like we were ready, so we stopped using birth control and decided we’d see what happens. We were leaving it in God’s hands.

But with that year mark approaching, I started to wonder – is it something we need to look into? I prayed about it – a lot. I was hoping for some kind of sign that we didn’t need to do tests. That the timing just wasn’t right yet for getting pregnant.

Then friends of ours who’d been trying for about the same amount of time told us they were pregnant. They’d used a phone app the 3 months prior to track her cycle and it appeared to have worked. So I figured I’d give it a try. If I used that for a few months, and still nothing, we’d look into getting tested. I knew the days I’d started my cycle for the previous couple of months, so I put them into the app.

Within the first month of using that app I got pregnant. It was a Friday morning when I found out. We’d taken a test the Monday before, but it was negative. So I waited until two days after my missed period before testing again. I took three positive tests before we believed the results and let ourselves get excited.

My husband came and met me for lunch at work and started asking about paint colors (the last thing I thought he’d want to talk about, lol) and we called our parents to tell them the news.

It’d taken a year to get pregnant, but only one exciting morning to be thrilled to become parents. The pictures below were taken the next morning.

miscarriage and trying to conceive

I didn’t even consider that a miscarriage was a possibility because the timing just seemed so right. I’d be praying about it and it seemed like my prayers had been answered. I mean, it’d taken a year after all. Surely if I’d finally gotten pregnant, it was right.

It was only a week later, to the day, that I began to miscarry. It was a Friday night, so the doctor’s office was closed. We Googled and tried to figure out what to do, but ultimately decided to wait until the appointment I already had scheduled for Monday. The appointment where we were supposed to hear the heartbeat for the first time.

Clearly that appointment didn’t go as expected.

When the doctor came into the room, she had this expectant look on her face, ready to talk about about what questions we had. I didn’t realize the test I took when we got there was still showing positive, so she thought all was good. I told her about what was happening and she said it could be nothing, but they’d do an ultrasound to make sure.

The doctor’s comments had given me hope. While we were waiting for the ultrasound room to be ready, I grabbed some of the pamphlets they had about baby stuff.

The ultrasound confirmed our worst fears. Though my body still thought it was pregnant, the screen clearly showed there was nothing there anymore.

It’s nearly impossible to describe the disappointment and sadness we felt. We mourned our baby. We had already told our closest friends and family about our pregnancy – wanting to share our joy. Now we had to call them all back and tell them the news. Saying it over and over again was torture. If we ever have another shot at this whole thing, I won’t be telling everyone so soon again.

And then I wondered, if it had felt so right, if I’d been praying so hard and my prayers seemed answered, why did this happen?

We never know the answer to that question in the moment. When you are feeling that much pain, it can be hard to trust in God’s timing. Yet, trusting in his timing is absolutely the thing that got me through it, though I needed regular reminders.

I admit that I kind of thought we had figured it out somehow. The app had told us when to go for it and magically we had gotten pregnant. Surely it wouldn’t take another year to get pregnant again, right?

You know the saying, “Tell God your plans if you want to hear him laugh”? I imagine he’s been laughing at me pretty hard right about now.

It has been another year. And my goodness, the second year has been so much more difficult to deal with than the first.

The first year was very relaxed. I truly wasn’t worried about getting pregnant.

This past year has been…different. It’s so hard to describe the feelings that I’ve had about it. I still try to be relaxed about it, but recently I have started to feel more of a need to get pregnant. Over the past two years, my husband and I have grown so much as individuals and as a couple. I think I just want it for us that much more. I truly can’t wait to experience pregnancy and children with him and I hope we’ll get to experience that.

I believe it will happen in God’s timing. I want it that way. I know that whatever His plan is, it is bigger and greater than I could have possibly planned. I know that the growth we’ve had is all part of that plan.

But something changed in me after that miscarriage. I can’t even describe it. I don’t want to replace that baby; there’s no replacing what we lost. But I want that excitement back. I want to know we are going to be parents. I want to have a child with my husband. And that has become so much more real to me after getting pregnant. It’s a crazy, weird, different kind of struggle now.

I can’t really pinpoint why I’m emotional sometimes. Is it because of our loss? Is it because we can’t seem to get pregnant after another whole year of trying? Is it because all of a sudden, everyone around us is getting pregnant and we are dealing with this? Do I need to somehow trust Him more?

I think it’s really some combination of all of it. It’s hard to have hope every month that gets crushed. And I admit that I don’t always handle news of other people’s pregnancy very well. There have been a lot of tears.

I pray about this regularly – whether it’s for strength, the ability to trust in His plan for us, or something else. Recently I’ve gone back to praying and wondering again if we need to look into things.

Was that pregnancy a fluke? Do we need help with trying to conceive?

I ended up at the doctor a couple weeks ago because I felt like something was off. Turns out, I was right. What they discovered could actually have been affecting my ability to conceive and has even been associated with miscarriage.

I have no idea what to think about it. Obviously you start to wonder if that could’ve been the problem all along. And if so, why did it have to take so long to figure it out?

Honestly, I don’t know if it’ll make a difference. Will we get pregnant now that that issue has been taken care of? I have no idea. Obviously I’m hopeful, but sometimes the hope feels scary.

What I do know though, is that no matter what, I’ve gotten to a place where I’m so incredibly grateful. And through all we’ve experienced over the last two years, I’ve learned so much. I trust Him more now than ever.

I still believe the prayers that I prayed a year ago were answered, just not in the way I was expecting. The miscarriage is one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through, but without it, I’d never have known that I could get pregnant. We might have started doing tests and it could have been for no reason. And looking back at the past year, there are so many great things that have happened that would’ve happened differently or not at all if we’d had a child. I believe the miscarriage and this past year was God’s way of telling me to wait and teaching me to trust – in Him and His timing.

It has been hard, but my husband and I are in a better place than we’ve ever been. I love him more now than I ever knew I could (and it’s not just because of all of this stuff, we’ve grown in our faith A TON and it’s had a huge impact on us). And I don’t think the changes we’ve seen would’ve happened the same way if a baby had been thrown in the mix.

I’m still sad at times. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried trying to write this. But I’m also happy. And as scary as it is, hopeful.

I trust God and his plan for us. It could be another year before we are able to have a family, if ever, and I have some seriously mixed emotions. I just pray that no matter what, God gives me strength to go through it – the good and the bad. And I continue to be grateful for all the amazing blessings I do have, because there are so many.

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  1. Whitney

    I’m hugging you and applauding you for talking about TTC and your miscarriage. I’ve been there. It’s awful. It’s terribly hard. After a year, we met with a fertility doctor and a couple months later conceived, we heard the heartbeat announced the news then the day before the 13 week appointment I woke up with signs of a miscarriage, I had a D&C that day. It was terrible, the worst emotional pain I’ve ever felt. A year and a half later we finally conceived again. Total of 3 years trying to have a baby and I now have my sweet son. God’s timing is everything, but He also is so aware of our desires and our hearts. You are courageous and strong for sharing your story. If you’d like to read ours you can check out my post here: https://www.southernhope1229.blogspot.com/p/im-not-sure-why-it-took-me-so-long-to.html

    1. lifeloveandsugar@gmail.com

      Thank you so much Whitney! I’m so sorry for the pain you experienced, but glad it worked out in the end. I’ll definitely check out your story. Thank you!

  2. Heather

    I’m praying for you, Lindsay! God is working in you and through you! Don’t ever doubt that 🙂 He knows the plans He has for you!!

  3. Krista @ Joyful Healthy Eats

    Lindsay, I LOVE that you just shared you heart today! I am so sorry for the heart ache, and the journey that you have had to go through. I am part of that group to girl, and the more I share my story the more I learn that I am not alone and that we are all bound together by this. That even though there is pain, God is weaving this beautiful tapestry together that will glorify him and will show people of his fatihfulness. The trust that you have in him pleases him and I truly think his heart hurts too to watch you go through this.

    My prayer for you will be that God continues to reveal himself to you and your husband, that he gives you the desires of your heart, and that he gives you peace in the “waiting”. Hugs to you sweet friend!

    1. lifeloveandsugar@gmail.com

      Thanks Krista! I totally agree. Thank you for the prayers – I’m praying for you too.

  4. Liz

    Thank you Lindsay for sharing your inner most personal news with us. You’re a very courageous beautiful young woman and it’s truly heartbreaking to go through miscarriage and trying to conceive. I hope all the best for you and know that we readers are much appreciative of this post. We’re not the only ones “alone” in this journey.

  5. Allison -Celebrating Sweets

    Hi, Lindsay! I’m a long time reader of your blog, and although I don’t comment often, I wanted to share some encouraging words with you. I struggled trying to conceive for several years, and it was devastating. It can be such a difficult journey. I had to seek help from a fertility specialist, and I’m so glad I did. I have 2 beautiful children now, and the long road to having them makes me appreciate them even more. Your heart will tell you which is the right path to follow. Hang in there, and thanks for being brave enough to share your story.

  6. Lynn

    Lindsay, you are so brave. And this post couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I posted just yesterday about my “infertility” diagnosis, PCOS. Although I have not been pregnant at all in the past year that we’ve been letting things happen on their own, it’s still worrisome that nothing HAS happened. Our journey to TTC is just beginning and I’m prepared for it to be difficult. I am so thankful for my supportive husband, and it sounds like you have the same. We are lucky girls!
    Wishing you the best. Again, you are SO brave. It’s hard to talk about these things but I’ve found it easier to have conversations when people know what’s going on. I hope sharing that information brings you some inner peace!

    1. Janelle

      I, too, have PCOS. As I commented, it took 8 1/2 years to conceive our son. (I had an early miscarriage prior, but then couldn’t conceive for 8 1/2 years after that.). Our daughter was born 5 1/2 years after that. (Our son was praying for a sister.). Then, at 39, found out I was pregnant again! My Dr. did tell me that sometimes women with PCOS cannot conceive at all in their 20’s, then (sometimes), the older they get, the more fertile they get. Go figure, it’s usually the opposite! Lo and behold, that ‘s what happened to me. Miscarriage at 24, son at 32, miscarriage at 34, daughter at 37 and son at 39. Don’t know if that will happen for you, but I want to give you hope! Also, I have recently been reading testimonies from people drinking Plexus Slim, that they’ve been able to conceive. Just trying to help. Hugs to you from one who’s been there.

    2. lifeloveandsugar@gmail.com

      Thank you so much Lynn! I’m definitely grateful to also have a supportive husband. I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles as well. Hearing peoples’ stories is so helpful to me – good to know we aren’t alone. I wish all the best for you guys in your journey to conceive.

      1. Lynn

        Lindsay, since commenting on this post, I unfotunately have miscarried. We are in the process of getting there again, hopefully with a successful pregnancy this time… But I want you to know I think of you often. Hope you’re well… <3

      2. lifeloveandsugar@gmail.com

        I’m so sorry to hear that Lynn. I know it’s painful. We are still working on it as well. I’ll keep you in my prayers. I hope it happens again for you soon.

  7. Mir

    It’s very courageous of you to write about this, Lindsay. So many women (myself included) miscarry, and we don’t discuss it because for some reason, it’s a taboo subject in so many places. But you’d be amazed at how many of us there are out there, and how much we all support you and empathize.
    I’m not going to tell you that everything happens for a reason, because I think that’s the kind of conclusion you have to draw on your own with a lot of hindsight. But I know you will find happiness and peace, one way or another.
    My thoughts are with you!

    1. lifeloveandsugar@gmail.com

      Thank you so much Mir! You are right – it’s amazing how many people have experienced it and it always helps to talk about it. The more people I open up to, the more I realize that to be true.

  8. Tracy

    I am so sorry for your loss. It’s heartbreaking and very difficult to talk about so I commend you. I hope that you are able to make your dreams come true. It’s easy to lose hope. Our journey was 10 years long but we now have 2 beautiful daughters. I wish you luck

    1. lifeloveandsugar@gmail.com

      Thank you so much Tracy! And so glad to hear that everything worked out for you! Gives me hope! 🙂

About Lindsay

I'm a wife and mom to twin boys, a baby girl and a sweet black lab with a serious sweets addiction! Bring on the sugar!

Scripture I’m Loving

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12